Teens need more than just love from their parents
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By MARY GEISSLER
For the Herald
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 1:25 PM CST
“All you need is love,” the Beatles told us back in the ‘60s. But when it comes to building a good relationship with your teenager, research conducted over the past 25 years tells us that love alone is not enough. In fact, studies suggest that giving teens love and support without setting clear expectations and limits can actually be detrimental.
“It’s almost a cliché to say that the most important thing that children need is love and the best way to ensure good relationships is to encourage clear and open communication. Though love and communication are certainly essential to good parent-teen relationships, a great deal more is also necessary,” says Stephen Small, human development and family relations specialist with the University of Wisconsin-Extension and director of the UW-Madison Center for Excellence in Family Studies.
According to Small, researchers have identified parenting practices that work best for raising teens in contemporary American Society — a style referred to as authoritative parenting.
“Authoritative parenting is characterized by parents who are warm, loving and supportive of their child while also being firm and clear about their expectations,” Small said.
Researchers found that loving parents who were overly permissive and didn’t impose limits, structure and age-appropriate expectations upon their teens were not very effective. In fact, their indulgence often contributed to their teens’ future problems. Strong evidence exists that teens with permissive parents don’t do as well academically, are less mature and more likely to engage in potentially risky behaviors like alcohol and drug use and high-risk sexual activity.
How parents communicate with their teens is especially important, says Small.
“Authoritative parents establish clear limits and rules about what is and isn’t permissible, and clearly communicate those expectations to their child. Parents and teens need to talk about family rules and expectations before problems occur and parents need to enforce consequences when the rules are broken,” he says.
Allowing teens to share their perspective on decisions that affect their lives is equally important.
“Authoritative parents allow their teen to present his or her point of view — even when it may be different from their parents”. This provides a safe place for the child to try out new ideas and practice decision-making while giving parents a chance to hear their child’s opinion, ask questions and provide constructive feedback,” Small said.
Teens don’t need to have the final word, but they should know that their voices were heard and their opinions taken into account.
Because authoritative parents are more warm and involved, teens tend to be more receptive to parental influence and are more likely to accept the rules that parent set down.
“Authoritative parenting is an effective approach to raising adolescents because it provides a loving supportive context where good communication can occur and where guidance and structure are provided. The key to success is having a balanced interplay of each,” Small said.
“Parents faced with the unique challenges presented by their child’s adolescence can benefit from new knowledge and learning specific to that age period — as well as support form others experiencing similar issues,” says Rebecca Mather, a UW-Madison graduate student and staff member in the UW Center for Excellence on the Family.
Mather and Small are conducting a study of parents of preteens and teens between the ages of 11-16 who are interested in learning more about raising teenagers.
Those who take part in the study will receive a free best-selling parenting book and be asked to respond to a survey about the book and their parenting experience. Some parents will also be asked to take part in a book discussion. To learn more about the project, contact Rebecca Mather at rmather@wisc.edu or call (608) 862-3180.
For more information about parenting, contact Mary Geissler, Chippewa County Family Living Agent, at (715) 726-7950.
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