Parents affected by adolescent years, too
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By MARY GEISSLER
For the Herald
Thursday, August 21, 2008 11:07 AM CDT
Books, movies, and TV have all found plenty of material in the challenges faced by teenagers charting a path to adulthood. But we don’t hear as much about the experiences of those accompanying adolescents on the journey through their teen years — parents. What changes and emotions do parents experience as they guide their children through adolescence?
“A growing body of research suggests that the teen years can be a difficult and stressful time for parents — sometimes more than for teens,” says Stephen Small, human development and family relations specialist with the University of Wisconsin-Extension and director of the UW-Madison Center for Excellence in Family Studies.
Over the past two decades, researchers have made some surprising discoveries as they studied parents’ reactions to their child’s teenage years, Small says. Findings demonstrate that a child’s adolescence can lead to change not only on the part of the teenager — but also on the part of parents.
n Certain phases of adolescent development may trigger psychological reactions in parents. For example, parents see that their teen is growing up and beginning a new phase of life, while they themselves are getting older. A teen’s changing physical appearance, stamina and strength may remind parents that they aren’t as young and vigorous as they once were.
n Parents may struggle with feelings of loss as their child becomes increasingly independent. As teens push for more control over decisions affecting them, parents may feel they’re losing authority, thus fueling their own stress and anxieties about midlife changes and losses.
n As strange as it might seem, teens’ budding sexuality may lead parents to question or worry about their own sexuality and physical attractiveness. In families where parents are married, a teen’s emerging sexuality can even lead to parents becoming dissatisfied with both their spouse and marriage.
n Though the emotional relationship between teens and parents is usually a warm one through the adolescent years, it sometimes undergoes a change. Parents may feel hurt or rejected when their teen begins to spend more time on friendships and romantic relationships than at home. And teens often become more private and less willing to share personal information, so parents can feel left out.
n As teens mature, they become aware that their parents are not perfect and all-knowing. While this realization is a necessary part of growing up, it can have an adverse impact on some parents’ mental health, causing lower self-esteem, depression and more time spent thinking about midlife concerns.
n A child’s capacity to argue improves in the teen years and teens often feel a need to test or practice their new skills, leading to increased conflict between parents and children.
Though the issues teens and parents argue about may seem mundane — curfews, grooming and appearance, keeping one’s room clean — they can be a significant source of stress and strain for parents, even when teens don’t see them as important.
n Parents and teenagers often view issues in completely different ways. To a parent, cleaning a bedroom may be an issue that reflects on observing the rules of the household and in general, taking responsibility.
To a teen, keeping the room clean or not is simply a personal choice without any of the larger implications parents might assign to it. Parents are more likely to be upset over disagreements about such issues because they see them as more complex and a reflection on their teen’s future well-being.
The good news is that most teens will come through this “phase of life” just fine. The parents? Well, there’s help available.
Rebecca Mather, a UW-Madison graduate student and staff member in the UW-Center for Excellence on the Family, states, “Parents faced with the unique challenges presented by their child’s adolescence can benefit from new knowledge and learning specific to that age period — as well as support from others experiencing similar issues.”
Mather and Small are conducting a study of parents of preteens and teens 11-16 who are interested in learning more about raising teenagers.
Those who take part in the study will receive a free best-selling parenting book and be asked to respond to the survey about the book and their parenting experience.
If you are interested in learning more about this project, contact Rebecca Mather at rmather@wisc.edu or call (608) 862-3180.
For more information about parenting, contact Chippewa County Family Living Educator Mary Geissler at (715) 726-7950.
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